INVITING ANGER TO THE TABLE

“It’s an angry piece” I told a friend, as I closed my laptop and returned a message to say that I wasn’t going to publish it. Words of support were offered, and a decision for me alone, “your call” she said.

That morning I put my writing away, carried on with my day, yet clearly the feeling hadn’t gone anywhere, I had just carried it around with me as I went about the normal stuff. A feeling recently of intensity and exhaustion in equal measure, like my body is on high alert. This alertness is some kind of readiness, a readiness that I know is a reflection of my nervous system, what’s going on on a neurobiological level. I’m angry, what’s so wrong with that?

Anger to me is a signal, just like any other shift or change in internal state, it’s a message worth listening to. Am I really about talk about anger in the context of women and motherhood? Why not? The transition to motherhood has captivated my attention, in large part due to my own experiences, but also witnessing the role of parents, in particular mothers throughout my working life and since becoming one myself too. Continuing to hear and witness this experience in our community and culture. Anger seems a part of this life stage, just like any period of change, yet as women and mothers, are we honestly allowed to talk about anger, let alone have it, and forbid show it?

Anger can be an uncomfortable one, somehow shame is in there too. To feel it can seem like physical pain, yet to express it can set in motion responses and changes that to ourselves and others aren't pleasing, for some not tolerable at all. So here I land on whether my own anger is signalling me. I’ve had so much change since becoming a Mother, “you’ve changed” I’ve even been told, and they're right, I have. Of course I have, I had a child, I became a Mother, my role in life is completely different. It’s been a period of constant nudging to define my inner self more and more, what I say yes to, no to, what I place my energy on, finding the elusive balance. Change is inevitable, I deeply wanted to be a Mother, yet I never heard anyone talk of the needs within Motherhood, the period of adjustment, and a holding steady that’s involved.

Harriet Learner Phd in 2004 wrote stunningly about anger, “Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us we are not addressing an important issue in our lives, or that too much of our self - our beliefs, values, desires - is being compromised”.

Women have long been discouraged from expressing anger. There’s shame there. We’re the nurturers, the peacemakers, the ones who shouldn't rock boats. I noticed recently that it’s not the emotion that’s the issue, especially if I'm giving myself permission to feel, living in a way that models to my son there are no good or bad emotions, the issue here is not allowing myself to feel it, talk about it, reflect on my reactions to it.

Anger is there, it’s an emotional pain, the reaction to that pain could be where time now seeks to explore. Will I publish the piece, not sure yet.

NOTES

Lerner, H. (2004). The dance of anger. Harper & Row. London.